Back at it again

Back at it again, life is good, so cyclical as it may be,it is a beautiful thing (life). The same way the clouds fight the sun from brilliant radiance it brings, i feel like something I stop myself form shining. The old quote, "be careful what you wish for, u may just get it all" is applicable to my situation, I have all the ingredients to the pie but I can get the recipe right. I have the perfect girl, a good job, maturing mind, self renewed relationship with GOD, adequate monetary funds, I just cant figure out the right mix to make the pie taste like it is supposed to. I look at myself and think how long can i play these games and deny myself the best blessing that I have and that is my happiness. My theory is simple being a playa is sign of weakness or needing validation for missing something within. I was there and in some way still working out of that, I wasnt widely accepted into my middle school years and I think i seek validation in others sometimes when I am feeling weak. It came from not being able to categorize myself as a a youngster, I went a white school in elementary where i was the black kid and a black church where I was the white acting black kid. I deal with these issues still to this day, although I am getting better. You may ask what the hell does this have to do with anything, well it goes back to my longing to be accepted and doing the extra mile and putting up an image that necessarily may not be me., and like my mom says." If someone tells you that the sky is green so many times u will start to believe it" and that is kinda wat happened. I found my niche in getting girls, everybody wants to be around the guy with the girls. The quagmire of the situation is when i met the perfect girl, the one that can turn your worst days into the best, that real ,deep burning, amazing, unconditional, inseparable love, the love that all the mistakes i made were forgiven. I thought that once you had one u had every woman but that was until i lost this legendary woman, now i am sure they dont make em like her anymore. The journey of maturation is a crazy one, something i am ashamed for but i dont take them back for they made me the responsible person i am today. My theory went from have has many as possible to why cant i just have the one i want. Sitting here in Columbia Maryland at this desk and looking around and I have everything but I still feel incomplete and I think she still has the piece of my heart and I would like it back....Im ready....I know i broke your heart and its a million pieces but if I am willing to work and put the pieces bak together and at least make a collage. An old man once told that you can have the world but without the girl it will never make you happy and i understand that completely, whats this life if you dont have the person of your dreams to share it with. Life is fragile almost like a mirror, we have smears, cracks, and marks on it, but with the right cleaner(woman) it can be brand new again....I feel like a dog off a leash i roam around to the neighbors house sometimes but I know where my home is and where I want to be. Actions will be louder than 10,000 angels singing there blessings as hopefully i take your hand one day hopefully off GODS right hand and make you mine, i dont think GOD would mine if i borrow one of his angels for a couple years.... :) Goodnight GOD BLESS. LAUGH LOVE LIVE.....I guess what I am saying is forever with you doesn't seem all that bad.

Growing up sucks. Not all kisses are magic, and most girls do not live up to your expectations, but there are those times when everything, I mean love, romance, relationships, it all falls together perfectly and it’s incredible. It’s those moments, no matter how depressingly few and far between, that make growing up worth it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnw6QDve7Xc

Random Thoughts 09/21/2010

They say men don't change but I beg to differ, everything in life changes. Healthy bodies get sick, strong minds become weak and frail. Winter changes to fall fall changes and so on. If nature changes and men are part of nature why don't we change. A lot of women say that want a man like that father because that's who treats them the best. Understandibly so you dad wasn't like that when he was younger, he went through experience that shaped him into the man he is. Whether it was breaking someone's. heart, meeting the right girl that settled him down he changed.I don't act or think the same way it did when I was 12 or 21,I went from white tees to girbaus to coogi to polo now to suits. I found that reason to change and wether or not it benefits me with that person I have changed from a selfish shirt chasing magnet. To an intellectual, taking peoples feelings into consideration indivual. My change was seeing how love was supposed to be, its not a disney movie but merely when to indivuals give up that wall and barriers and become one and accept each other for what they are. A quote comes to mind when describing this. I like you for what you but I love you for what your not, that'sss love. I am ready for that again, let's get it. :)
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Pardon the Progess..Under Construction

Is it wrong that I see fault in myself through others, or that I dont like being smothered. My mind wants to be this guy that has all the girls etc, but my heart wants love and companionship. I am in a divide/ a crossroads of some sorts. Its crazy how you get so much love for everyone other than the person you want the praise from. You hear how you can make a girl so happy but to the person that it matters they dont see it. In my growth i have understand that i make mistakes and have a tad bit of immature and selfish standpoint but dont we all. Why not be selfish with something so sacred as the heart or why not immature when it comes to the powerfulness of love. I know alot of people that read this gonna be like Johnathan why are you opening up on a blog but I am merely letting go of my past on here. Trying to strive to become a better person, it a daily grind but its worth it. Today I saw one of the most liberating things i have seen in a long time. TRUE BLACK LOVE.. and it was beautiful and magical.. it was a blessing for my eyes... coming from a family where love wasnt present and always told to not show any emotion or my cards.. It was good to see a family that made up for all there shortcoming with a smile and love. It warmed my soul and heart to see the perfect picture created from the divine in the form of love..As I pondered I wondered, am i doing everything i can to show the people in my life that i love them and cherish them...I thought to myself would i want the baddest girls in the world or that one girl that i can come home to be secure and understand. As i further thought I started seeing the problem with relationships these days including myself.. I/we or so concerned about looking bad or making a mistake that we lose out on blessing.. No one can stand up on their on 2 in this crazy world but if two people lean on each other they can support each other and make it... I just want that love I saw today....cause with that i saw hope..I saw hope for me at least.In closing I think I am at the point now where I can be the man that GOD has destined for me...not saying I am not gonnna make mistakes but my heart is in the right place i think now. I just want that blessing and my bestfriend...wether or not I have found it..I will make sure it comes to past...If you a scared to fail you will never pass... and i need to remember that... I let twitter and Facebook dictate my thoughts and opinions instead of my heart and my mind. So easy I get caught up seeing someone type someone and instead of asking I just retaliate and I need to work on that.. Life is process just

make sure the way you are going is progress. and ima get better everyday.. See the potential in me and we cant fail.. cause I am a work in Progess

Every Peak will have two valleys,hopeful eyes in the comfort of true protection. And admiration of the heart of a child, that forever, Forever is to strive the peace of endearment.Forever is what I want with you..I am sometimes confused but I need the solution. to our solution. I just want to place my one grain a spirtual sand in your hand hope you put it in your heart. Getting into my 20's just trying to survive in this world, you start gaining age and experience and seeing for what all this is that we call our world. I not gonna question GOD blessings an old man told me Curiostiy killed the Catechism. In the end I know I want master this like tiger.. so its all about my drive to make this work.

've lived and I've learned
I have taken and I've earned
I have laughed, I've cried
I have failed and I have tried
Sunshine, pouring rain
found joy through all my pain
I just wanna be happy with being me and being with you

Random Thoughts

This maze I am in amazes me,sometime I wonder if I am crazy cause i feel like people dont get me. They see me actions as irresponsible and rude but what abt what I am trying to accomplish in the long run.. Tell me if u think something is wrong with me, if i have the girls of my dreams but I can make her trust me so I am limbo. I look at myself and wonder what is wrong with me...I can master a crowd and my commercial life but when i come to personal life I am a pigeon in the desert.. My biggest problem is letting my guard down...along with most guys i have a problem with communicating my feelings, some may see that as immaturity but i see it as a work in process.I know what i feel and what makes me happy but i dont know how to go about making the situation trust me. I never thought i would get to the point where i wanna settle all the way down but i think i am there. I look at life in a slower view now, I mean i still wanna go out and have fun but i just wanna get back to the simplicity of life again. I sometimes expect to much of situations and when i sense fear i run and put my wall up... but i think now i gotta make a change.. put it all on the line and let it go and if i lose i put everything into it and i can have any reegrets..I dont wanna fight, i just wanna love you and make it right...so why are we at war. I feel like love is a mustard seed planted by God and watered by men. I feel like the greatest happines in life is to love and feel love.I am not gonna lie girl i am in love with you and you are my world and without you I dont know what i would do without. You are the lighter to my flame, the one i want to have my last name, I am putting my ego out of order so maybe this our love can come closer to the border.I know the world gets colder over night but our love can warm the sun. We both aint where we need to be and i understand that..but anything worth having requires time and if we both dont have our balance and lean on each other we can make it and balance....I guess what I am asking for is a chance...not a guarantee but a chance to show that all men change once they find someone worth trying for... and you are that boo....all i can do is smile everytime i hear your name wether we talk or not these feelings to dissapear, so why try to hoodinni and just be here
Love is like magic

And it always will be.
For love still remains
Life's sweet mystery!!
Love works in ways
That are wondrous and strange
And there's nothing in life
That love cannot change!!
Love can transform
The most commonplace
Into beauty and splendor
And sweetness and grace.
Love is unselfish,
Understanding and kind,
For it sees with its heart
And not with its mind!!
Love is the answer
That everyone seeks...
Love is the language,
That every heart speaks.
Love can't be bought,
It is priceless and free,
Love, like pure magic,
Is life's sweet mystery

The jourmey of life

I felt I needed this blog to show people that there are other sides to me, most people see the party side the extroverted side. There is also a very deep and introspective part of me to and thats what i want to get across with this blog.This excerpt is about looking outside the box and stepping out of comfort zones to find yourself. The danger and the pleasure of life is that everyone is a stranger at first. Everyone is in repair, were not together just trying to get there. The beauty of life is that there are so many people are who are constantly bringing you down but it only takes a few to bring you right back up and let you know you can make it through whatever struggle you are encountering. The ole folks say as you get older you get less judgemental and look into someones heart instead of their exterior and i am starting to feel that way to. We hender ourselves in daily life by sterotyping friends, stereotyping relationships. He is not cool enough so we cant hang or he is a man whore and people will think i am a slut if we hang. No matter what you circumstance any person has they have a little GOD in them and you can find it if you take the time to get to know them. Society paints such an abstract picture of how you should hide your flaws feelings and emotions. Pretty to our society is long hair, light and nice figure, now not saying i dont contribute to the things i am talking about, I just feel as i get older i am seeing more of life and finding my happiness in things i never thought. We make life so complex but the true serenity is the simplicity of it, just enjoying a conversation a drink a laugh a walk, being extra is cool sometimes but an abdundance is not good. Sometimes the moments where you find yourself is when you are alone and down and out. Some quotes i try to live by is "Hurt people Hurt People", You dont do things because they are easy, you do them because they are hard."Dont Judge me off Yesterday, Judge me off Tommorow".

My wrongs and and ways to correct them

When i first decided to make this blog, it became of a talk I had with one of my homeboyz that is getting married soon. He asked what I wanted out of life, and of course i said money and happiness, and he said no man like in terms of relationships and having a partner. I tried to do my typical talking around the subject to get around it, but I was baffled when i thought in my mind that I am lacking in the relationship department. Dont get me wrong now i got mines, even if it was to the detriment of some people that really cared about me. Now as i get older i look back on some of my past relationships and realized that maybe my phobia in life is caring about someone so much i am scared of the let down and things not being picture perfect. I can make a comparision to walking up stairs and the more stairs u walk up the harder it is to come back down and it gets to a point where u are so high and you look down and your scared because, you have come so far and at that point u realize they are all your life, not saying its a bad thing but its a reality check and espically for a youngster like myself. Now in my life i have had two meaningful realationships,one was love and i know that with my heart, the other was close but I never had that feeling. My first relationship was everything I could ever wish for, we both made our mistakes and faults, but as my homeboy and I were discussing, love is crazy thing, its a crazy feeling, a scary feeling to know that you care about a person to the point of wanting to put them before yourself, and as a youngster that is a hard concept to attain. In all honesty I would do anything to have that feeling back again but Its so cliche but every girl i meet is put against that love feeling and to my own evilness, alot of girls get sacrificed to the game. i know i dont have any chemistry but i also long for companionship of some sort. COming from a home where in my opionion and never saw true love, i am having to discover it in my on light and in my own mind. Am i at the age i want to get married.NOO but am i at the age where I wanna put the games down and find the one that makes my heart as brand new as a new infant child. In conclusion to this note, if you are a guy and you have that special someone keep them close, Love is something you should embrace and cherish cause there is no glamour in being a player, a player is just a form of insecurity in which you need women to validate yourself as a man, behind every player is a man that prays every night to find that woman of his dreams. I wish i had never woke up when i had the girl of my dreams, but life is what it is, I grow everyday of my mistakes and with that in mind makes everyday better than the one before, the joy in life is that everyday is another chance to get it right this time,ladies i challenge you to stop putting these standards on dudes and pushing them away, u want all these things from a guy but what are you bringing? that concludes this blog, next one coming tommorow, to further discuss this topic in detail.